GAME OF THE YEAR AWARDS 2012 – FUCK I DIDN’T SPELLCHECK THIS SHIT

Let’s face it, 2012 was a terrible year. Between Amazon starting to charge sales tax in certain states and it being the 11^th anniversary of 9/11 (here’s an article about the former, published on the latter’s date), not to mention the whole world not ending shtick, it’s going to be pretty hard to top this year in terms of shittiness (As I type this drunkenly I yell at the red squiggly in Microsoft Word “No, not shiftiness! Even though that fits perfectly within context.).  Despite everything being fucked this last 365 day period, I have no doubt that everything will be remedied by a 24 hour period in which we all get so drunk that for the next week we will forget the very day we were celebrating as we continue to write 2’s at the end of our calendar year instead of the 3 we have all agreed upon switching to. Because as we all know, 13 is known for being a lucky number.

Fuck it, video games.

GLITCHIEST GAME/NOT REALLY A GAME BUT MORE OF A INTERACTIVE NOVEL YET STILL RECEIVING PROVERBIAL BLOWJOBS FROM GAMING “JOURNALISTS” IN FORM OF GOTY AWARDS:

The Walking Dead

Don’t we all.

I’ll admit it, The Walking Dead by Telltale Games was great, but was it really a video game or was it just an interactive movie that rarely provides more input than your average choose-your-own-adventure book? Sure there are moments where you have to shoot and slice zombies (or “walkers” as the game coolly puts it) but those moments are far and between\are unremarkable at best. Still, the game provides a better narrative than pretty much anything else out there, and as an advocate for solid writing (let’s get the plot of games at a non-joke level before trying to quantify it as good) I thank Telltale for making this game that hopefully serves as motivation to other developers to not blow their wad on “sick ass graphics” and commercials with Jonah Hill/other totally schweet celebrities.

Runner-up:  X-COM –

X-Com is also a great but glitchy as hell game.  What were they thinking releasing it with the controls in buildings with multiple levels being as it is??? Cmon Firaxis, you’re better than that.

GAME MOST LIKELY TO CHEAT YOU (OTHER THAN THAT THING YOU HAVE GOING ON WITH THE SWEET INNOCENT GIRL MAJORING IN ENGLISH AT YOUR NEARBY COLLEGE):

FTL

Surprisingly, these guys found the time to get a lot of work done.

FTL is fucking bullshit. Either I’m the unluckiest guy on the planet or creators Justin Ma and Matthew Davis took all their Kickstarter bucks and invested it in installing a personalized chip in my computer that allows them to know just how to perfectly rape my sweet ass when I least expect it, every single god damn time. There would be times where I would have a ship that was the Noah’s Ark of alien denizens built atop a pile of scrap just waiting to be spent, only to run into 0 shops and a fucking pimped out rebel pirate that desolates the fuck out of my hull while I’m burning alive thanks to an inconvenient solar flare.  Despite all this douchebaggery, this game is fun as fuck.

Runner-up: X-COM

In X-COM you will miss shots that the game tells you that you have a 99% chance of hitting. That’s the cheap stuff.

GAME NOT 4 PUSSIES BUT 4 MEN:

Dark Souls PC

NOT 4 PUZZIEZ.

I’m too lazzy (pronounced like jazzy but with an L) to check, but I’m pretty sure the console version of Dark Souls won my game of the year last year, and the game is even better on PC. Thanks to Durante we get 60 frames, high resolution, and in addition to the added DLC, it makes the PC version of Dark Souls the version to play. But be warned, this game like many other great things in life takes a great deal of patience (soccer, courting, ordering a sandwich from Katz’s). If you just want some luddite experience, stick to Bejeweled or Farmville (ZYNGA LOLOLOLOLOL), peasant.

X-COM: Yo losing your top tier squad-mate twenty hours into the campaign is some rough stuff. There’s even a game mode called Iron Man for cheating bastards like myself who reloaded saves left and right, that’s how you know this game ain’t 4 fannies.

MOST UNINTUTITVE MUSIC GAME/WORST TITLE:

Djmax technika

That guy is pretty cool. I guess.

DJMAX Technika has a slick presentation and if you’re into weebo music I’m sure you would get off to the sizable selection offered here. Besides that the game makes some fucking retarded decisions, even beyond its tragic name that reeks of trying to be cool but comes off as infinitely lame. First off, you have to tap small beat icons about the size of the tip of an average person’s finger, positioned in such spots that there’s always a great chance that your hands will be blocking some part of them. Secondly, to activate Fever Mode and the score multiplier it offers, you need to tap an even smaller button in the upper right of the screen. If you miss any of the beats you lose the ability to activate this power, which is something that will often happen as you move your finger to activate said ability. Fucking stupid. And thirdly, rear control panel beats. Good luck with that broken dumb shit.

X-COM

The Music in X-COM sucks\is non-existent. Also X-COM is a dumb title, sounds like an X-MEN ripoff.

Honoroable Mention #2: I’d like to mention Sound Shapes except for the opposite of all the aforementioned reasons. Unlike DJMAX whateverfuck, this game rules.  Seriously, the Beck tracks in that game are shit-hot.

BEST GAME OF THE YEAR WHICH IS REALLY JUST A REMAKE OF AN OLD GAME BUT IS STILL BETTER THAN ANY OF THE MODERN CRAP THAT CAME OUT THIS YEAR:

Dota 2

I’m too good at this game.

Read my post on Why You Should Play DOTA 2. This game is still better than whatever your leisure time is dedicated to right now. Get on the train or get left behind bitches.

X-COM

I never played the original but I heard this new one is a pretty dope ass remake. Good on your Firaxis for not making another underwhelming shooter like that EA-released Syndicate game.

BEST GAME INSPIRED BY RYAN GOSLING AND HIS JACKET FROM THE HIT MOVIE DRIVE STARRING RYAN GOSLING:

Hotline Miami

Hotline Miami is the trippiest and drippiest (thx Microsoft word) game you’ll ever play. The soundtrack is bone-rattling, and boner-inducing. It’s mindless fun that’ll make you shout in anger due to the bullshit need to memorize enemy patterns, but once you overcome the challenge you’ll grumble to yourself a muted message of self-congratulations. And it’s cheap as fuck too, constantly on sale for 5 bucks. Try it.

i ❤ u ryan goslings

X-COM

ryan gosling don’t mess around.

BEST HALO GAME RELEASED THIS YEAR:

Halo 4: King of the Hill Fueled by Mountain Dew for the iPhone

HAW HAW HAW!

You thought I was going to say Halo 4 didn’t you? Well Fuck You.

CHARACTER OF THE YEAR:

Cain from Binary Domain

All I remember from French Class is: Bon Voyage! So I don’t know what this means.

Cain was not only a robot, he was French. And everyone knows French people are cool as fuck. It’s why their language is the language of love. They get mad chicks with dicks.

(I wanted to give it to Lee from the Walking Dead, but my own rules state that each game can only win one award, this is strictly enforced.)

THE “HA HA HA, OH WOW” AWARD AKA I CANT BELIEVE THEY RELEASED THIS” AKA GAMES THAT ARE COOL TO SHIT ON:

Mass Effect 3/Street Fighter X Tekken

Pretty much sums it up.

Mass Effect 3 has really nice explosions and graphiks, decent shooting, and okay character dialogue. Outside of that, the game is total shite. The plot is fucking retarded prior to that ending that I don’t need to say anything else about. Street Fighter X Tekken fucked up on so many levels, with more rounds ending in a time out than to an actual KO, stupid ass gems that were unintuitive and such an obvious cash grab that it was offensive, not to mention a broken online mode and a step back in graphics from its predecessor Street Fighter 4.

Both Mass Effect 3 and SFxT share the trait of being created by companies who are willing to fuck the customer in order to reach into their wallets, and for that, fuck them. Don’t make essential parts of your game locked behind a DLC pay wall, it’s fucking classless.

GREATEST CUTTING LIMBS/DUELING SIMULATOR RELEASED THUS FAR (Alternatively: Jedi Knight II GOTY Award):

Chivalry

u can chat in this game too which is real nice

This game rules.

Happy News Years!

~ by spruchy on January 1, 2013.